What I Didn't Say Read online

  “Everyone’s excited for you to come back to school though, Jake,” River chimed in. It was nice to see her face wasn’t as downfallen as everyone else’s. She was trying harder than everyone else. “There’s a special assembly planned for you and everything.”

  Great… I wrote.

  That made everyone laugh. Or at least fake a laugh.

  It was nice to see them look a little more normal.

  But they all kept staring at my throat.

  It’s going to be a pretty impressive scar, right?

  “That’s not funny, man,” Rain said, shaking his head at me.

  I’d be laughing, I wrote in shaking, almost angry letters.

  “Jake, stop,” River said, looking at me with hard eyes.

  And then the crowd that occupied the room shifted, and through the bodies, I saw her, standing back near the door. Samantha.

  My stomach knotted and I felt nauseous. My throat tightened and I suddenly felt like I couldn’t breathe.

  I didn’t care that most everyone in my school was seeing me like this. Most of them didn’t matter, and I didn’t care what they thought about me.

  But I didn’t want Samantha Shay seeing me like this.

  Something started beeping on the monitor attached to my IV tower and a nurse suddenly pushed her way through the crowd.

  “Your pulse is getting a bit higher than we’d like it,” she said as she checked the machine, pressing her fingers to my wrist. That was just making things all the more humiliating. I wanted nothing more than to curl up in that chair and disappear. “You should get some rest. All of you should probably say your good-bye’s.”

  I finally met their eyes, seeing the fear and uncertainty in each of their faces. They were looking at me like I might explode or die right then and there. Again, I felt like the word MUTE was carved into my throat, blood and gore dripping from the letters.

  “Hang in there, man,” Rain said as he stood. He gave me an awkward hug, as did Carter, his cast feeling heavy and hard on my back. River’s hug at least felt real. I wanted to die as countless other’s either waved good-bye or gave an awkward embrace. But with each one I pulled more and more away. I didn’t even return the hugs after River’s. I started to glaze them all out.

  “Bye, Jake,” a sweet voice said as bodies filed out the door. My eyes rose to meet Samantha’s. She looked at me sadly, but for once, it felt like she was really seeing me.

  Something in me hardened.

  It had taken nearly getting decapitated for Sam to finally really notice me.

  I didn’t even say, or rather write or wave good-bye as she gave me one more sad look and left, closing the door behind her.

  Screw them all.

  Especially Samantha.

  2 1/2 years ago

  1 month ‘til the beginning of junior year

  “Would you take our picture?” Carter asked, his voice hopeful, as he shoved the camera at an unsuspecting tourist.

  “Sure,” the man said, clearly a bit annoyed but trying to force a smile. He accepted the camera.

  Carter draped an arm around Rain and pointed out to Indian Island with the other. He gave me the look of death, like “just go along with it”. I tried really hard not to roll my eyes. “Going along with it,” I pointed out toward the water and plastered a big, fake smile on my face.

  “One… two… three.”

  “Thank you,” Carter said in a very feminine voice that made Rain scoot away from him as fast as he could.

  The guy just raised his eyebrows at the three of us and continued toward town.

  Carter immediately busted up laughing and the three of us kept walking down the narrow sidewalk.

  “This is lame,” I said, shaking my head and pushing my sunglasses up.

  “Let’s be German next,” Carter said. “I come from far country, you show me good American time, yeah?”

  “Seriously, you’re not going to find any tourist girls to hook up with,” Rain said, stuffing his hands in the pockets of his shorts. “It’s all old, rich ladies in the summer.”

  “No, it’s not!” Carter protested as he scrolled through the pictures on his camera. “There was Gloria from Maine last year!”

  “There is no Gloria!” Rain and I both said at the same time.

  “She’s not real,” Rain said, shaking his head and laughing. “You totally made her up.”

  “Where’s the proof?” I said, my eyes scanning the crowded streets and sidewalk. It was amazing how many people flocked to our tiny island in the summer.

  “Gloria was real,” Carter said, his jaw tightening, just as it always did whenever “Gloria” was brought up. “And that night was magical.”

  “Magical is right,” Rain said as we crossed the street. “As in not real.”

  “Oh, oh! Twelve o’clock!” Carter said, nodding his head at an older couple coming down the sidewalk straight for us.

  “Come on, man,” I moaned. “This is mean.”

  “No, it’s entertaining,” Carter said, getting his camera ready. “Excuse me!” It was too late. Carter was a German traveler from a faraway land. “You take our picture?”

  “Ah,” the man said, his face lighting up. “Welcher Teil von Deutschland sind sie?”

  Carter’s face blanched, obviously panicking. “Uh, never mind.”

  He took off running down the sidewalk.

  The couple watched as he ran off, then glanced back at me and Rain with confused expressions.

  “Excuse our friend,” I said with a sigh.

  “He was in a car accident recently,” Rain said, his voice totally serious. “He’s been a bit… off, ever since.”

  Without waiting for them to question us further, me and Rain took off after Carter, the both of us trying to hold our laughter back.

  “Ah, crap,” Rain said as he checked the time on his phone. “We’re supposed to pick River up from Diana’s house in like two minutes. Where’s Carter?”

  By now we’d reached the park in the middle of town. Considering it was Saturday, that meant it was filled with booths and tents for the farmer’s market. Hippy gardeners, potter’s, jewelry makers, glass-blowers, and other entrepreneurs spread themselves out across the expanse of grass. And the entire place was flooded with tourists.

  Rain and I started wandering the aisles, poking around for Carter.

  “You two look like you’re looking for someone,” a familiar voice said through the crowd.

  I looked up to see Samantha, a basket over one arm, holding a big floppy straw hat down on her head with the other. She wore a breezy, white summer-dress and bright pink flip flops.

  She looked amazing.

  “You seen Carter?” Rain asked, speaking when I seemed to lose my ability to do so.

  “Yeah,” she said, a brilliant smile flashing on her face. “I saw him near the food tents, talking to some girl.”

  Rain and I exchanged a look.

  “Take us there?” I said, feeling like I might pass out from how nervous I felt asking such a simple question. I was turning into a freaking joke around Sam.

  “Sure,” she smiled again. “Come on.”

  Sure enough, we found Carter, talking to some skanky looking girl who had to be at least twenty. I had to give him credit, he had her laughing, even if she was way too old for him.

  “Come on,” Rain said, dragging Carter away. “River’s waiting for us, and you do not want to enrage my Amazon-warrior sister.”

  “Seriously?” Carter protested as Rain pulled on the back of his shirt. “I told you I’d find a tourist to hook up with!”

  “I don’t think you’ll be hooking up with her,” Sam said as she glanced back toward the girl. We all looked back at her to see a very muscled guy wrapping his arms around the girl. The guy’s eyes met Carter’s and his jaw flexed and his nostrils flared.

  “Run,” Rain said. Without another word, he and Carter took off in the direction of Carter’s truck. I just shook my head as I watched them go.

>   “Isn’t that your ride running for his life?” Sam asked as she stopped at one of the produce tents.

  “I met them at Teazers,” I said, picking up one of the apples Sam was studying. Pulling out my wallet, I paid for two of them. I handed one to Sam and bit into mine.

  “Thanks,” she said, flashing another warm smile that made my knees want to give out. “Have you tried the horchata from the Mexican food stand?”

  I shook my head as I swallowed the bite of apple.

  “It’s divine,” she said, and we headed back in that direction. “It’s going to ruin you though. All other horchata is going to taste disgusting after you try this.”

  I chuckled as I followed her. “Ruin me.”

  12 days since the accident

  No more Air Force…

  Things got quieter over the next week. John and Jenny went back to college, from Jordan on down they went back to the island. Even Dad had to get back to work. It was just me and Mom. And a million nurses, a million physical therapists, and one psychologist.

  Mom had tried staying with me that first therapy session. She said she wanted to help me learn how to cope with my new “lifestyle.” I liked the psychologist a little more when she wouldn’t let Mom into her office.

  But it was all the same crap that I had expected to hear when I learned I was going to be visiting her. Life was going to be hard, but I still had a lot to live for. I shouldn’t give up and I shouldn’t give up on my dreams, but maybe adjust them.

  Blah, blah, blah.

  All I heard was pity and a lot of rehearsed lines.

  I was told I would be released by Saturday, a full twelve days after the accident. Then on Thursday I started burning up with a fever of 104, and they decided to hold me prisoner for a few days longer.

  Despite being in a children’s hospital, I almost didn’t mind. The world inside the walls of the hospital were a bit like an alternate reality. Almost like I was only unable to speak within those walls. As soon as I stepped outside of them, reality was going to finally sink in, that this was real, and my voice wasn’t going to come back.

  I didn’t mind holding reality off.

  Because not being able to talk for the rest of forever felt like an unbearable amount of time. I couldn’t even comprehend it.

  Even though I was in the hospital, and even though I had just had a life-changing event happen, Mom didn’t let me completely pretend I didn’t have to do school work anymore. She’d called each of my teachers, had Dad bring down all my school work and books, and every afternoon after the vampires were done with me, she drilled and hounded me until my homework was done.

  There’d been a note from Principal Hill that we’d talk when I was ready to go back to school about adjusting my schedule.

  Great. Special treatment. Just great.

  It didn’t take long to fill that first notebook, the one Jordan had given me. My messy handwriting stained the pages, big and blocky so everyone could read it easily. Several pages were ready to fall out, after being flipped to so often. Pages that said things like “thank you”, “I’m tired”, and “where’s the remote?”

  Mom dared to leave my side for about an hour one day and came back with a stack of fifteen notebooks, a rainbow of colored covers.

  I just shook my head when she set them down.

  My paper voice.

  It both seemed that Monday came all too fast, and couldn’t get there soon enough. But at ten in the morning, Dr. Calvin came in and told us I was going home that afternoon.

  My bandages were also ready to be removed.

  I sat on the bed with my hands pressed firmly between my legs so no one would see them shaking as Dr. Calvin sat on a stool in front of me with latex gloves on his hands. I couldn’t look at his face as he started to remove the bandages. I just stared at the ceiling tiles, determined I was going to find at least one cobweb.

  “Now, Jake,” Dr. Calvin said. Something tugged just slightly on my neck. Tape, hopefully. My stomach churned. “You’re still going to be really tender for a few weeks. You’re going to have to take it easy. Your doctor on the island will remove these stitches at the end of the week, but again, be careful. No scarves or turtlenecks, or anything that will stay in contact with your neck for an extended period of time. You want to make sure you keep out any chances of infection.”

  Dr. Calvin wadded up a bunch of bandaging and threw it into the trash, followed by his gloves.

  Everything was finally off.

  Dr. Calvin looked toward the end of the bed, at the mirror that hung on the wall. So did Mom.

  I knew they were waiting for me to look at it.

  I closed my eyes for a moment, feeling my heart pound in my chest. My skin prickled as I broke out into a sweat.

  Seeing the evidence of the t-post’s implantation in my throat was just one more way of making this whole nightmare real.

  Don’t be a pussy, I thought to myself. Just look at it.

  Holding my breath for a second to calm down, I nodded my head just once. I pushed myself to my feet and walked over to the mirror.

  My eyes couldn’t help but immediately jump to my throat. Or what was left of it.

  The skin there was a mess. A big line of stitches ran from the right side of my neck, zig-zaging up, trailing to the left. There was a large hole on the right side of my neck. The side where the post had entered.

  I tentatively reached a hand up, lightly touching my fingers to the hole.

  The skin that covered it looked weird. Like it wasn’t really my skin.

  “That’s the skin graft,” Dr. Calvin explained, coming to stand by me. “You’ll find things feel a little different. That’s because the vocal chords are gone. It’s going to take some getting used to.”

  I continued staring at myself and nodded absentmindedly.

  I had been right when I joked with my friends earlier. It was going to be an impressive scar.

  “You okay, Jake?” Mom asked.

  I blinked suddenly, realizing I hadn’t done so since I first looked in the mirror. I nodded, my throat feeling tender.

  Dr. Calvin nodded as well, watching my face, like he was expecting me to freak out at any moment.

  I kind of wanted to freak out. But my body felt sort of weird. Almost like I was on some kind of drug that didn’t let me fully feel pain.

  “Okay, then,” Dr. Calvin finally said, turning back to Mom. “If you’ll just sign these papers you’ll be good to go. Jake’s medication is in that bag there and the rest of it will be delivered to your house in a few days.”

  “Thank you for everything, Dr. Calvin,” Mom said.

  I just kept looking in the mirror as Dr. Calvin left and Mom set to gathering up our stuff.

  They were gone. The pieces of me that made my voice work were gone.

  What did they do with body parts after they’d been removed from the body?

  “Jake,” Mom said from the door. I finally looked over at her, seeing her with her arms loaded with our bags. “You ready?”

  I looked back at myself just once more.

  It was time to get back to reality.

  I nodded and walked over to her, grabbing my backpack from her hand and slinging it over my shoulder. She gave me a long look, studying my face and eyes. She offered a small smile and placed a hand on my cheek.

  “Let’s go home,” she said quietly, rising up on the balls of her feet to press a quick kiss to my forehead.

  We stepped out the door and let it slide quietly closed behind us.

  6 hours ‘til full reality of home

  It seemed weird that I had changed so much the last two weeks but the world hadn’t. Seattle still looked the same as we made our way to the freeway, so did Everett and Mount Vernon. Mom ran into the grocery store in Anacortes before we got to the ferry to grab a few things. I stayed in the car.

  You still coming home today? Rain texted.

  Yeah, I replied. We’re catching the three ferry.

  Hope the boat
s aren’t too crazy so you can get on.

  Dr. gave us a med pass, we’ll get on, I answered. Stupid tourists.

  Seriously. Can’t wait to see you man. Carter says hi.

  Tell him hi. See you soon.

  Truth was, I didn’t really want to see anyone any time soon.

  Just one more way to make this all real.

  Glancing up, I saw Mom pushing a shopping cart out of the store. Pushing my nerves back, I slid the phone back into my pocket, and got out to help her put the groceries in the back of the car.

  The ferry wasn’t as bad as it had been a few weeks ago. Now that it was mid-October, most of the summer tourists were headed back to work or school, but there were still the real old-timers who liked this time of year when the weather was still fairly warm but it wasn’t quite so insane. Not that it mattered, we got on the ferry just fine with Dr. Calvin’s medical priority load pass.

  Mom and I didn’t talk much as we slowly loaded onto the massive ferry. Before that day we would have gone up onto the passenger deck as soon as we parked, but that day we both just hunkered down and pretended to be asleep as the ferry cut through the waters of the Pacific Ocean.

  Normally I hated the three o’clock ferry because it stopped at both Lopez and Shaw Island before going to Orcas, so it took forever to get home, but that day there weren’t enough islands to stop at before the ferry pulled into the dock.

  The ferry workers lowered the ramp and secured the boat with bored and well-practiced movements. And then car engines roared to life, a trail of red taillights flashing on in a row.

  And finally we were waved forward and the tires met the narrow roads of Orcas Island.

  Home.

  But everything about home was going to be different from then on.

  We didn’t get a mile away from the ferry landing when a gigantic sign on the side of the road came into view.

  Welcome Home Jake! it read. There were large hearts painted on the white paper, handprints, and signatures from what looked like half the island.

  A small little smile threatened to break on my lips. I noticed that Mom had a tiny smile on her face as we drove passed it.