What I Didn't Say Read online

  I looked up at Dad with surprise in my eyes, my entire body feeling like it was in shock.

  “We’ll go get it and store it here until she gets back,” he said. “Maybe… maybe she can just stay here after her birthday. In the backyard of course.”

  I rose to my feet and wrapped my arms around him, something I hadn’t done in a very long time.

  We rode in silence to Sam’s place. Dad wasn’t one for a lot of talk, especially about these kinds of things. But I appreciated his understanding and support, even if it was silent.

  We pulled the truck up to the motorhome and I watched Dad’s reaction as we walked up to it. He kept his face pretty blank, but I could see a sadness in his face that he’d never vocalize.

  “So you want to drive the truck home or this thing?” Dad asked as he stepped inside after me.

  I patted the driver seat.

  I didn’t want to be in there. Everything reminded me of Sam and the fact that she was gone. It was still way too fresh. But having my dad drive it felt like an invasion of Sam’s privacy.

  “Okay,” Dad simply nodded. He glanced around for a moment longer, his eyes lingering on Sam’s tiny kitchen, on the space heater I knew he would recognize. But without saying anything, he just turned and walked back outside.

  Together we unhooked everything, making sure to leave no evidence to the owner of the house that Sam had been there.

  I slid into the driver’s seat and put the key Sam had given me in the ignition. The thing whined for a minute, but finally turned over. It groaned and creaked the entire drive back. With Dad holding the gate open, I pulled it into the backyard and parked it in the corner.

  I tried not to look back at it as we walked into the house. I suddenly didn’t want it there. It was a huge hulking reminder that Sam was gone.

  5 weeks ‘til Sam’s birthday

  I talked to Sam’s teachers the following Monday when we went back to school. And I finally told them the horrifying truth. They agreed to work with Sam so that she could continue doing all her schoolwork with them, just long distance.

  As best I could, I ignored Norah. Everything in me wanted to get revenge. She’d ruined my life so it was human nature that I wanted to ruin hers. But revenge wouldn’t bring Sam back. And Norah was finally cold to me. She wouldn’t even look at me.

  “How you holding up?” Rain asked me as we sat down at The Market to eat our lunch.

  I just shrugged as I bit into my burrito.

  “I can’t believe he just took her like that,” Carter said as he squirted ketchup all over his Jojos. “She doesn’t even really know the guy, does she?”

  I shook my head and clicked a pen open. She hadn’t seen him since she was six.

  “Dang,” Rain said, shaking his head. “At least she turns eighteen soon.”

  I nodded.

  “A bunch of the guys are going backpacking up Constitution and camping out Thursday since Friday’s off for school,” Carter said, tactfully changing the subject. “You want to come?”

  I thought about it for a second. Really all I wanted to do was curl up in a little ball and lie comatose for a few weeks. But I couldn’t just stop living for the next thirty-three days.

  Sure, I wrote.

  5 weeks ‘til Sam’s birthday

  That night, I sat on the computer in the loft, and mindlessly scrolled through the internet. I was reading something on Facebook when a box in the right corner suddenly popped up.

  Message from Samantha Shay: Hey! You there?

  My heart jumped into my throat. I’d had no way of contacting Sam as she didn’t have a cell phone and I hadn’t gotten the chance to get Mr. Garren’s number.

  Jake: Hey! You’re like, never on Facebook! You’re dad let you on the computer?

  Sam: Ugh, no. I’m at the library. Some creepy dude keeps staring at me from the computer across from this one.

  Jake: Want me to kick his butt for you?

  Sam: LOL! If only you could.

  Jake: I miss you like crazy.

  Sam: It’s only been two days.

  Jake: Still miss you.

  Sam: Miss you too. This sucks.

  Jake: I got all your homework. Teachers are going to let you keep going through you’re classes while you’re away.

  Sam: What would I do without you?

  Jake: I do what I can.

  Sam: Dad’s been gone almost the whole time I’ve been here. Comes home at like three in the morning, totally wasted.

  Jake: Maybe I’ll have to come kidnap you.

  Sam: Don’t think that would be a good idea. He’s super paranoid. Won’t hardly let me leave the house.

  Jake: I’m worried about you.

  Sam: I’ll be fine. I don’t think he’d do anything.

  Jake: Wish I KNEW he wouldn’t do anything.

  Sam: I’ve got to go. I’m only supposed to be on here for fifteen minutes and I used most of that time for homework.

  Jake: Can you talk again tomorrow? Same time?

  Sam: I’ll try.

  Jake: Counting the hours already.

  Sam: Sleep good.

  I love you, I typed out, but only in my head.

  And then it showed that Sam was offline.

  “Jake?” Mom called from downstairs. “Dinner’s ready.”

  4 weeks ‘til Sam’s birthday

  “Like this?” Jordan asked, trying to manipulate her fingers into the sign for sister.

  I shook my head, moving her fingers to the right position and showing her the movement again.

  “I probably look like such a dork,” she laughed, finally doing the sign right.

  No more than usual, I wrote.

  She responded to that by punching me in the arm.

  “Show me, show me!” Jamie said excitedly as she walked passed Jordan and me in the living room. She hurtled herself across the room and landed on the couch next to me with a big bounce.

  Silently laughing, I showed her the sign.

  “Someday I’m going to be really good at sign language,” she said as she did the sign flawlessly the first time. Jordan just glared at her. “And me and you can talk like we’re just talking normal.”

  I smiled at her, everything inside of me warming.

  “Hey,” James said as he wandered out of the kitchen, a box of crackers tucked under his arm and a knife and a block of cheese in the opposite hand. “What are you guys doing?”

  “Jake’s teaching us some sign language,” Jamie said gleefully.

  Glancing upstairs where his Xbox awaited him, James changed direction and joined us in the living room.

  “James!” Joshua yelled from upstairs. “Hurry up! I’m totally killing you!”

  “Hang on!” James yelled, stuffing a piece of cheese sandwiched between two crackers in his mouth. “Be up in a minute!”

  “What are you doing?” Joshua yelled. I heard an explosion from the TV.

  “Bonding!”

  Everyone burst out laughing at that.

  Suddenly we heard Joshua tromping across the floor and a second later his feet pounded down the stairs.

  “What’s the sign for dork?” James asked, making up his own sign.

  Jordan punched him in the arm too. “Be nice,” she said, half scowling at him, half trying not to smile.

  It had been a week since I first talked to Sam online. I’d gone on the overnight hike with the guys. We built a fire and one of the crazy guys I didn’t know well from school actually cooked a rabbit he’d captured over it. I tried not to hurl when the guy started eating it.

  Sam and I talked briefly online whenever she could manage to get to the library. She didn’t do much. Her dad was gone all day long but she just stayed at his house, doing homework and trying to keep sane. I mailed her homework to her every other day.

  I had been struggling to concentrate at school and not let my grades slip any further than they had. All I could think about all day long was Sam and how much I missed her.

  “Show me th
e sign for chocolate,” Jamie said as she bit into the chocolate chip cookie she’d been holding.

  “What’s this?” someone said as the front door suddenly opened. In walked John and Jenny. “Sibling council meeting?”

  Joshua practically launched himself across the room at the two of them. I couldn’t help but smile as my two older siblings dropped their bags by the door and came and sat down next to the rest of us. The room had gotten really crowded, really fast.

  “I heard about Samantha,” Jenny said as she pulled her boots off. “That’s so crazy. And you knew about it the whole time?”

  Letting my eyes drop, I nodded.

  “I’m not judging you,” she said as she ruffled my hair. “I think it’s cool you helped her out all this time.”

  “Yeah, we can’t blame you for keeping your little love shack a secret,” John teased. “I would have kept it a secret too.”

  Grabbing a pillow, I chucked it at him, hitting him square in the face.

  “What’s the sign for making out?” he teased, launching the pillow back at me.

  “Ooo,” Joshua said, puckering his lips. “Sam and Jake in the love shack.”

  “Shut up you little dork,” Jordan said with a laugh as she grabbed Joshua around the waist and tucked his skinny body into hers. “You don’t even know what you’re talking about.”

  “Yes I do!” he protested, trying to worm his way out of her grasp. “It’s just like I saw you and Rain holding hands at Teazer’s yesterday!”

  “What?!” half the siblings cried, including me, just soundlessly.

  “Seriously?” Jamie said, glancing back and forth between Jordan and me.

  Is there something I missed?! I quickly scrawled.

  Jordan blushed so hard her entire body looked red. “It’s nothing guys! We just went for some coffee and a scone and he… just… held my hand as we were leaving.”

  “Jordan and Rain, sittin’ in a tree,” Joshua chanted. “K-I-S-S-I-N-G!”

  “Okay, that’s enough!” Jordan said, tackling Joshua to the ground and tickling him until there were tears running down his cheeks he was laughing so hard.

  I laughed silently as I observed my siblings, teasing each other and wrestling and talking over one another. I may have been missing Sam, but I was certainly never alone. My family would always be there for me, no matter what.

  3 weeks ‘til Sam’s birthday

  The keys to my car stared back at me, daring me to pick them up, to put them in the ignition, and let the road fall behind me. It wouldn’t be hard. I’d gotten the address. All I had to do was pack a few things, get in the car and go get her.

  Because not knowing what was happening was killing me.

  Nine days. That was how long it had been since I’d heard a word from Sam.

  Anything could happen in nine days. I tried not to let my imagination get away with me. Not to let things like thoughts of Mr. Garren driving them somewhere, drunk, getting in car crashes, dying, thoughts like him doing things to Sam that he shouldn’t, go through my head. Thoughts like him accidently lighting the curtains on fire and burning the house down with Sam in it. Things like him turning into a vampire and draining Sam dry.

  My imagination was getting away with me.

  I stood and grabbed my keys off of the dresser. I opened the door to my bedroom and walked into the kitchen.

  “Jake?” Jordan said from the bar where she worked on her homework. “You look… green. Are you okay?”

  I shook my head, my teeth clenching together.

  I was so far from okay.

  “You haven’t heard from her today either, have you?” Jordan put the pieces together. I shook my head again. “How many days has it been?”

  I held up nine fingers.

  “Crap,” she breathed. She slid off the bar and crossed the space between us. She wrapped her arms around me, squeezing me tight.

  I held up the keys in my hand, staring at them. Jordan released me and looked at the keys too.

  “I know how bad you want her back,” Jordan said, a trace of fear in her eyes when she looked back at me. “I want her back too. I want her to come home. But you know what will happen if you go and get her. You’ve already had one fight with her dad. You got lucky that time. You go at it with him again and you could get thrown in jail or something. And then think of what he might do to Sam?”

  I just stood there frozen for a second. I hadn’t thought about that part. I hadn’t thought about what it could mean for Sam if I showed up when I wasn’t supposed to. I hadn’t thought about what might happen when I actually got there.

  This was nothing short of torture.

  I wrapped my arms around Jordan, hugging her so hard I knew it had to hurt just a bit. One tear slipped down my face, followed by two more, followed by a whole flood.

  I didn’t care that I was crying like a baby. And Jordan didn’t seem to either, she just hugged me back and didn’t let go until I was finished.

  1 week ‘til Sam’s birthday…

  “I’ve got something to show you,” Mom said one day after school. Only seven days until Sam’s birthday. “Come outside with me.”

  Setting my backpack down on the dining table, I followed Mom out the back door. I nearly tripped over one of the chickens who sat at the bottom of the steps. She hustled away with a loud squawk and a flurry of feathers.

  Mom crossed the lawn to Sam’s motorhome and opened the door. I followed her in and she flipped the lights on. Dad must have hooked up the power.

  I had never seen the motorhome so clean. Sam wasn’t a total slob, but she wasn’t exactly a neat freak. Mom had scrubbed everything, from the cabinets to the floor to the ceiling. She’d also painted the dingy, dated cabinets a fresh, bright white and it looked like she had taken the paint to the entire trailer. Everything looked fresh and bright.

  She’d put in new soft yellow curtains in the main area of the motorhome. As I wandered back toward Sam’s bedroom, I saw that Mom had also gotten a new sea green bedspread and decorated the bedroom to match.

  It was like stepping into a completely different motorhome.

  “What do you think?” Mom asked, her face beaming with pride.

  It’s amazing, I wrote.

  “You think Samantha will like it?” she asked as she straightened one of the curtains.

  She’ll love it. I couldn’t help but smile.

  “I’ve been spending most of the day out here this last week while everyone’s been in school,” she explained as she sank into the seat at the dining table. “Dad went and got all the paint, as well as some other things that needed to be repaired. It’s actually been really fun fixing this thing up.”

  I nodded as I looked around, amazed at how much better it felt with just a simple coat of paint. I suddenly wished I’d thought of doing this. But it really did mean a lot that my parents had gone to all this trouble. It meant they cared about Sam too.

  “How’s she doing?” Mom asked, her eyes locking on me.

  I slid into the seat opposite her, placing the notebook in front of me.

  I really have no idea. I haven’t heard from her in forever, I wrote. Her dad doesn’t let her leave the house much. She just stays home all day and is basically doing homeschool.

  “I hope she’s alright,” Mom said, her eyes sad. “I’ve been worried sick about her. It doesn’t sound like her dad’s a real great guy. Not that I should judge.”

  He’s not, I simply wrote.

  “It will be nice to have her back,” she said, a small smile forming on her face. “I’ve missed her.”

  Me too. My chest ached from how much I missed her.

  “Have you told her yet?”

  Told her what? I wrote and looked up at Mom with confused eyes.

  “That you love her.” Mom’s eyes were serious, but she was smiling.

  I felt my face instantly blush, my heart doing a weird little skip. For a second I thought about denying it, but there was no use doing that with Mom. Of cou
rse she knew.

  I’ve tried, I explained. Sam… doesn’t believe in love, she says. I don’t know, I think she’s just scared of it considering what her parents went through. Her dad leaving her and her mom really screwed up her idea of relationships.

  “The L word is a scary one for some people,” she said, reaching across the table and placing a hand over mine. “She loves you, Jake. She just can’t say it quite yet.”

  I gave Mom a small smile, silently hoping and praying that it was true.

  5 days ‘til Sam’s birthday

  Jake: You’re killing me! It’s been sixteen days!!! I thought you must have been dead!

  Sam: Sorry. Dad’s been super sick the last week and he’s treating me like I’m some kind of slave. I haven’t been out of the house in two weeks, except to go pick up food.

  Jake: He hasn’t been around enough to deserve you helping him out.

  Sam: No argument there.

  Jake: I miss you.

  Sam: I miss you too. I thought I was going to throw up today I miss you so bad.

  That brought a smile to my face.

  Jake: I’ve got a question for you. It’s quite a serious one and you might break my heart if you say no.

  It was a full fifteen seconds before Sam responded.

  Sam: Yes?

  Jake: Will you go to prom with me?

  Sam: LOL! K, you scared the crap out of me for a second there!

  Jake: HAHA

  Sam: I don’t know, maybe not after that!

  Jake: Come on, you know you want to see me in a tux.

  Sam: Well, when you put it like that…

  Jake: So is that a yes?

  Sam: YES!

  Jake: Touch down, number nine, Jake Hayes!

  Sam: HAHA. I can’t wait!

  Jake: Me either.

  Sam: Dang it. I’m getting waved off this computer. Guess I got to go.

  Jake: Alright. I’ll talk to you soon.

  My fingers hesitated, wanting to type out I love you.

  Sam: Talk to you later.

  4 days ‘til Sam’s birthday