What I Didn't Say Read online

  “Dude, it’s only February,” Carter laughed. “The beginning of February!”

  “Shut up, man,” Rain said as he glared at Carter and punched him in the shoulder. “At least I had the balls to ask her. You’ve been staring at Rivers butt for a whole year now and never said anything to her that didn’t sound like caveman grunting.”

  Poor Carter. But I couldn’t help but join Rain in laughing at him.

  8 hours since pushing the self-destruct button

  7 weeks ‘til Sam’s birthday

  Apparently Samantha showed up at my house that night, asking to talk to me. I’d been up in the loft watching TV and Jordan had answered the door. She was all solemn faced when she came back up. Jordan said she told Sam I wasn’t ready to talk.

  I skipped school again the next day. My grades were starting to slip but I didn’t care as much as I should have. All the hope and all the positivity I seemed to have found over the last few months was starting to dim. I was letting me feel sorry for myself again.

  Once you start down the slippery slope of depression, it’s hard to climb off of it.

  And sometimes you don’t want to climb off of it.

  The crappy thing about living on such a small island, where everyone knows who you are and where you’re supposed to be certain times of the day is there aren’t many places to hide when you’re skipping school. So I ended up out at West Beach, parked in a spot that looked out over the water. To the south side was a pottery shop, to the north was a resort. Both were tourist places, so I felt pretty safe hanging out there. No one would recognize me.

  I pulled my journal out, running my fingers over its black cover. I hadn’t written in it in a while. Really I hadn’t felt a need to. But I felt like I was going to explode if I didn’t get some words out of my head.

  I hate Samantha for what she said. I didn’t think that was possible.

  How could she say something like that? She wishes she could hear me say her name? Why would she say that to someone like me? Could she have said anything worse?

  First she tells me she doesn’t believe in love. Seriously, what girl doesn’t believe in love? Then she won’t let me say it, and basically says she won’t ever say it to me. And now this.

  Part of me thinks I’m overreacting.

  But sometimes I feel like all the crap in the world is building up inside of me, like all the bad is just filling me like a balloon. I push it all back, live my happy life.

  But sometimes that balloon explodes and all the crap lands on everything around me.

  I hate this.

  I hate this.

  I hate this.

  I hate me.

  1 hour ‘til self-destruction

  7 weeks ‘til Sam’s birthday

  “You sure about this?” Rain asked, clapping a hand on my shoulder from the backseat. “You know how this is going down tonight, right?”

  “Norah’s got major plans for you,” Carter said as he observed the long line of cars parked along Norah’s driveway. “That’s just the way Norah is.”

  My jaw clenched as I pulled into a parking spot, which was little more than a narrow shoulder before her driveway dropped down a steep ledge into thousands of trees. I pulled the keys out of the ignition and slid them into the pocket of my leather jacket. Slowly I nodded my head.

  “Man, I have a bad feeling about this,” Rain said as we got out of the car. “I know you’re pissed at Samantha, but are you sure this is the way to handle it? I know Norah’s going to do something crazy tonight.”

  I turned and glared at Rain and Carter. Shut up.

  They must have gotten the message. They didn’t say another word as we walked the rest of the way up Norah’s driveway.

  Norah’s dad was older than dirt, her mom a good fifteen years younger than him, maybe more. Mr. Hamilton was some old time movie producer who made some major money back in like the seventies. He didn’t get married until he was basically retired, and even though it was nasty, they had a kid.

  A very spoiled, rich kid named Norah.

  Norah the Whora, who drove her own BMW and lived like a princess in her castle by the sea.

  I could hear the music blasting before we even got out of the car. Lights flashed and pulsed from the windows and I could hear people laughing and shouting.

  Despite what Norah had said, I hadn’t needed the invitation to get in. I’d half expected to find a bouncer waiting at the front door, that would have been Norah’s style, but there wasn’t. The air was thick and muggy as we walked through the massive front doors. The house was packed with about a hundred people. Everyone wore some kind of sparkly party hat, or a mask decorated in glitter and feathers. The entire place was black and purple, and everything was covered with glitter. There wasn’t any sign of Norah’s parents.

  “Wow,” Rain said loudly as we made our way through the crowd. “This is insane. How much do you think they spent on this party?”

  I shook my head, looking around. There was a very sparkly and expensive looking disco ball hanging from the vaulted ceiling, black candelabras with matching black candles sat everywhere, some kind of large, glittery jewel things hanging from them. The party had been professionally decorated.

  “The Shaw is in the house!” a loud boom suddenly rang out from the front door. The three of us turned to see Blake posing at the door, raising his hands above his head like some kind of professional wrestling hero. The crowd suddenly froze and then the whispers started breaking out. Considering he and Norah had so recently broken up, there were sure to be an abundance of awkward moments before the night ended. Undeterred by that fact, Blake was swarmed with sophomore girls.

  Carter, Rain, and I just shook our heads and kept walking toward the kitchen.

  There were not one, but three cooks working in the kitchen, shuffling an endless supply of food onto the bar. Everything from shrimp to some kind of fancy cheeses, to food I didn’t even recognize. Grabbing a clear glass plate from a stack, I filled it and turned to watch the crowd with Rain and Carter.

  “No sign of Norah yet,” Rain said as he scoured the crowd. I knew he was looking for Jordan, who had left with some friends about fifteen minutes before we did.

  “Man, I got a bad feeling,” Carter said. I saw his eyes locked on a few people with red plastic cups in their hands.

  Something in me went cold when I saw those cups. I honestly hadn’t expected everyone to stick to their pledges all year, but it still felt like a slap in the face to see them drinking.

  “That’s messed up,” Rain said, shaking his head.

  Tell me about it.

  “Jacob Hayes,” a silky voice said from behind me. “So glad you could make it.”

  I downed the rest of the food in my mouth in one painful swallow. I turned around slowly.

  Norah stood there wearing this swooping dress made of purple silk, trimmed with black feathers in all the right places. She also wore a black mask, her hair piled on the top of her head in a mess of curls and feathers.

  She looked like a freaking Arabian Nights goddess. There was no other way to put it.

  A wicked smile curled on Norah’s face as she walked toward me, her black heals clicking on the marble floor.

  I knew I was staring, and that was exactly the reaction Norah wanted.

  I thought Rain whispered something like “don’t give in to the Whora” but my brain was only processing legs and barely existent necklines.

  “Are you enjoying the party?” Norah whispered as she leaned in right next to my ear.

  I took a deep breath, my heart starting to beat in my throat. Norah’s fingers curled around mine.

  Everything about that moment, the whole night, felt wrong.

  But everything about my life right then felt wrong too.

  Norah took the plate I still held in my hand and shoved it in Rain’s direction without even looking over at him.

  “Come dance with me?” she said as she reached to a basket that sat on a shelf. I didn’t even
realize what she had reached for until she strapped a black Zorro type mask over my face.

  She didn’t give me a chance to answer, simply pulled me out into the mass of grinding bodies that moved to the pulsing music.

  I tried not to think of Sam as Norah guided my hands to her hips. She wrapped her arms behind my neck. Norah knew all the right moves to excite any guy, the exact expressions to put on her face to make his body go crazy. Everything about the moment was intoxicating, the darkness of the room, the heady smell that reminded me of an Abercrombie and Fitch store, the masks and the sparkle.

  Why is it so hard to stop doing something wrong, when you know that it is so wrong?

  “Aren’t you going to wish me a happy birthday?” Norah said with that wicked smile. She moved in closer to me. I wasn’t sure how it was possible to move any closer.

  How do you expect me to do that? I thought, giving her a look.

  “Presents are always acceptable in exchange for words,” she practically purred as she moved her lips in closer. It wasn’t until then that I could smell the alcohol on her breath.

  I realized that Norah was going kiss me at the same time I heard the voice from behind me.

  “Jake?”

  My head whipped around to see Samantha standing near the door. Horror and betrayal filled her face, her eyes reddening.

  It felt like all my internal organs disappeared.

  I took a step away from Norah, but not closer to Sam.

  It was the wrong move.

  She shook her head. I saw a single tear escape onto her cheek. She turned and ran from the house.

  Everything in me knew I should go run after her. Now I was the one who had some major apologizing to do. I had just betrayed Samantha and she had found me with the person Sam hated most on all of Orcas.

  But I just stood there.

  “Forget about her,” Norah said, placing a hand on my cheek, trying to pull my eyes away from the door and back to her. “Come on, it’s a party. You’re supposed to be having fun!”

  I looked back at Norah and felt sick.

  What was I doing?

  Why had I even come?

  Shaking my head, I turned to leave. Norah caught my arm in a vice grip that surprised me with its strength. Her face was livid, her eyes wide and wild behind the mask.

  “Don’t go after her, Jake,” she said through clenched teeth. “You are at my party. This is my birthday.”

  “And that was his girlfriend,” Carter’s voice came from behind me. I turned to see him and Rain standing behind me, their arms folded across their chests.

  Norah clenched her jaw again, her eyes shifting from me to Rain and Carter. “I think you all should leave now.”

  “Gladly,” Rain said, already heading for the door.

  My eyes were cold as I looked passed Norah and started for the door.

  “Your girlfriend is going to regret showing up here uninvited,” Norah said in a voice cold as ice. I just walked passed her.

  Everything flared hot and red inside of me as I heard her words. I turned back once to look at her, my eyes spotting with dark patches. I curled my fingers into fists. Someone tugged on the back of my jacket and I was pulled through the crowd toward the door.

  I felt like I could finally breathe again as soon as we got outside. And then I remembered how Sam had run out of there, looking crushed. But there was no sign of her.

  “Seriously Jake,” Rain fumed as he started shoving me toward the car. “You are such a freaking idiot! What were you thinking?!”

  F off, I wanted to shout. I didn’t need Rain telling me I was an idiot, I already knew that. I’d screwed up in a major way.

  “Samantha is going to dump you, you know that right?” Carter said as he glanced over at me.

  Shut up!!!

  I grabbed one of the big rocks that lined the Hamilton’s driveway and chucked it out into the middle of the lawn, letting out a silent scream into the black sky.

  I hate this.

  I hate this!

  I hate me!

  Digging the keys out of my pocket, I chucked them at Rain and climbed into the backseat.

  Neither of them said a word to me as we drove back to my house.

  I had thoroughly wrecked my whole world.

  I really screwed up today.

  I won’t blame Sam if she breaks up with me.

  What was I thinking?

  I wasn’t.

  I just didn’t want to feel.

  But now everything’s ruined.

  And there’s no one but me to blame.

  6 days since everything fell apart

  7 weeks ‘til Sam’s birthday

  Samantha and I did a weird dance the next three days. I’d skip Physics and she’d find somewhere else to be during ASL. And then we’d sit as far apart as we could during AP English and Government. Awkward wasn’t a big enough word for what those few days were.

  Neither of us tried to say sorry, and neither of us had ever had so much pride.

  I mostly felt like an idiot.

  Sam and me fighting, or being broken up, I wasn’t sure what it was, was hard on Jordan too. She and Sam had grown close, hanging out in the halls, and whatever the heck it was girls did.

  But true to Jordan, she chose my side.

  Even if she did yell at me for an hour straight when she found out about Norah’s party.

  But when you live on an island as small as Orcas, you really can’t avoid anyone.

  I had just walked into the lobby at the public library to drop off a book for Jamie when Sam walked out. We both froze there, staring at each other.

  Sam looked terrible again. The bags under her eyes told me she’d been sleeping as little as I had since Saturday. She looked skinnier than ever, making me guess she’d had as good an appetite as me as well.

  I love you, Sam, I thought. I’m so sorry I’m such an idiot.

  “Hey,” she said, shifting from one leg to the other like she was considering running.

  Hi, I signed. I really hated sign language. It felt so cold and distant.

  Sam’s eyes kept dropping from mine to the floor.

  She couldn’t even look at me.

  She must have totally hated me. And I couldn’t blame her.

  “I…” she trailed off. But she didn’t say anything else. She just hurried past me and went out the door.

  I wanted to scream.

  6 weeks ‘til Sam’s birthday

  The rest of the week continued like that. We’d dance around each other at school. Way beyond awkwardly say hi in the halls. And then we’d go home.

  I thought what I hated the most was not knowing what we were anymore.

  Was Sam still my girlfriend? The answer to that was probably not.

  Did she totally hate me?

  Would this ever get fixed?

  Feeling too full of jumbled words, I pulled out my journal Friday night.

  I just want to let out a string of cuss words, all the time, and never stop saying them these days. But Mom engrained the no-swearing-or-you-will-die thing into me too well.

  Maybe this is what dying feels like. Slow. Painful. Uncertain.

  That’s kind of what I feel like inside. Dead. Maybe not though. Some say death is supposed to be peaceful. I don’t think I could be more opposite of peaceful.

  I miss Sam. I miss her so much my whole body hurts. I miss her hair in my face. I miss her million-flavored lips. I miss her constant seriousness and fanatic studying habits. I miss seeing her with my family.

  How did I screw this up so bad?

  How do I fix it?

  A tiny knock on my window nearly scared the piss out of me. Snapping the journal closed, I shifted on my bed and silently slid the window open.

  There, standing in the dark, was a terrified looking Sam.

  What are you doing here? my eyes asked.

  “Let me in,” she whispered. Not waiting for me to respond, she reached for the ledge of the window. Giving her a hand, I help
ed her climb through. Then I realized there were tears streaking down her face.

  What’s wrong? I signed. I felt terror building up in myself, even though I didn’t know what to be afraid of.

  “Mike,” Sam said as she paced my bedroom floor, ringing her hands. “Mike’s here. My dad’s on the island.”

  What?! I mentally shouted.

  Grabbing a notebook from the dresser, I clicked a pen open. What?!

  “Yeah,” she said with a sniff. “I saw him talking to Officer Bennett in town earlier.” By now her voice was sounding more desperate, on the verge of cracking. “Someone found out Jake! Someone ratted on me! And now my crap father’s here and I’m going to have to leave and I’m going to lose everything.” Her words were a jumbled mess, getting louder with each word.

  I pulled her into my arms without even giving my body permission to do so. She instantly stopped moving, her arms gripping me so tightly it hurt.

  “He’s going to take me away Jake,” she started sobbing. “I don’t want to leave with him. I don’t want to leave the school. I’m going to lose any hope of a scholarship. I’m going to lose my friends. I’m going to lose…”

  Somehow I knew she was going to say you. But she stopped herself before she could admit anything.

  “Have I already lost you, Jake?” she finally whispered into my chest. My shirt was soaked with her tears.

  Never. I shook my head, squeezing her tighter. It felt like something in my chest released, finally letting me breathe. I’m so sorry.

  “I freaked out when I saw you with Norah,” Sam said, looking up into my eyes. Her cheeks were streaked with tears. “I knew you were mad about what I said, but… Norah?”

  I’m so sorry. My brows drew together and I felt a sting behind my eyes as I released her.

  Norah is nothing, I wrote. Nothing to me.

  Sam bit her trembling lower lip. “I’m so sorry about what I said Jake. I really wasn’t thinking. I was just… feeling.” She suddenly blushed.

  It’s okay. I was just an idiot.

  Taking my hand in hers, Sam led me back to the bed and she collapsed into it. I suddenly felt exhausted too. Lying back in the bed, Sam curled up into my side.